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In March I went off Paxil. April, May and June were the first three months- in nearly 10 years since I started taking the medication- I have felt my actual emotions as they really are.

Much of the time I have experienced a feeling of "blah." I'm not excited to go and get engaged in social activities. I mostly keep to only a few people for my outings. These are people I have confided a great deal of my personal life with. One is my ex-boyfriend.

Mostly I have felt anger. In the past I would have feared this anger and run from it. I would have laughed off my feelings and pretended I'm not upset and I would have turned everything into a destructive game of passive-aggressive Russian Roulette. I now speak my mind.

I've had major insight into the reasons I do the things I do and one insight happened this evening. I was watching the first episode of Felicity. I have never seen the show but I am a fan of Eddie McClintock from Warehouse 13 and found out he was in an episode of Felicity in Season 1 called "Love and Marriage." (I found this while searching for LGBT characters on TV).

I recalled a time when I was an RA in my dorms at AMDA  in New York. I had let my roommates convince me we should have a cat- after the went and got a cat and brought it home. We weren't supposed to have pets, the cat was found out and I was removed as an RA. Later, when I ran into another RA I asked if she'd heard I was no let go. She said all they had been told was I wasn't an RA any longer and that's all.

You see, I have always thought that everyone I encounter will eventually know everything about me through gossip. Why? Because my family was all about gossip when I was growing up. Also, if there was something to keep private it was openly discussed. I remember when I came out to my parents. My grandmother had found out but instead of talking to me about it she flew to her family in Arkansas and told them how disappointed she was. She never talked to me about it but I found out what she had done at her funeral. I also remember a time when a nurse came to the house to give my brother and me a physical. The nurse asked if there were any STD's and my father said yes and looked at my brother. He had to admit that his ex-girlfriend had given him chlamydia and I hadn't known about it. I could feel his embarrassment.

In my family there are no "secrets." Problem is: Everything is a secret so you have to expose yourself constantly or else you are hiding something and that makes you a bad person.

Sometimes things are just personal and private. That's why the RA didn't know about me. It's why I have never been able to be discreet about certain things. I am, however, really good at talking shit and making fun of nearly everything. I learned to laugh it off and make a joke out of it rather than feel the pain of ever-exposure and a lack of privacy. I didn't understand boundaries or know how to respect others' right to privacy, let alone my own. In fact, telling everything to everyone was something I wore like a badge.

The last year has been so amazing living on my own. I know I have a life that is mine to live and I can keep things to myself.

I have privacy. I like it.

Life Changing Events

I've been working pretty hard at completing my Medical Assisting certificate and I can finally say that my classroom hours and course work are complete. (Insert big smiley face here).

I start my Clinical Externship on Monday but first I get to take a special field-trip. I've been offered a tour of the Orthopedic Department at the Balboa Naval Hospital in San Diego. It's just a few blocks from my apartment and I'll be meeting with the head of the department. Now, that's exciting.

Something even more exciting are my dreams and goals. I think, overall, they have been the same for a very long time but recently have taken on a different shape. I keep thinking about Doctors Without Borders. I would love to have a chance to see the world and help others at the same time. Of course, I completely understand that there will not be pastoral picnics and movies under the stars but it would be a wonderful way to help those in need.

My only concern is age. I have a tight window to follow my dreams. Most Physician's Assistant programs require 4,000 hours of clinical experience and I have 5-6 prerequisites to complete.

I'm planning to buy a home and I really want to adopt. That's the 5 Year Plan as of now. Kind of distracted this morning but I think it's all going to work out. Have to grab the bull by the horns (or nuts, whichever gets a better result, right?) and push on. Maybe I should become one of those "driven" people... let the games begin!!