I went in to church today and just didn't feel myself. Usually when I go in at 8:15am I'm ready to sing and have a good time but today and the last few Sundays I felt like I wanted to just run.
So I did. I sang through first service and then bolted out the back door. I was bound and determined to just drive. So I just drove. And I drove to grab some coffee where I ran into an awesome barista from my days at Starbucks. Well, he made me get my head working again and I finally realized what has been bringing me so much heart ache.
I'm pissed off at some really awful people. I want to shake them like a British nanny. I realized I never have gotten angry and had my say to a few people I once cherished. And even though I have been fantastic at feeling guilty about having to cut these people out of my life I have never really dug down into the reason I cut them out.
Because they are losers. They FAIL.
It's more than just feng-shui-ing myself into a hallucination of feel-good, drum-circle inspired vagina-in-the-mirror-gazing shenanigans. I got really pissed and realized that when the cards were laid out the people whom I'd called my friends were really a fantastical group of self-centered ego-maniacs. There was never a point when they were my friend. I was always their friend. Now for some of you this might seem like an interesting statement and you are confused so let me explain.
As a friend we help our friends. We see their need or they ask for it and we give. We are being their friend.
But when we need help or we need respect from them... well... we don't get any. They are not our friend. The friendship is one sided.
I was going to name names and air out grievances. I can't. That's not fair to myself. I deserve to tell these people to their faces how angry I am. But, most importantly, I deserve to be angry. I didn't walk away from a relationship because there was no relationship to walk away from.
But I will say this: F-you. F-you in the butt-hole. (And not in the good way).
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