September 2009 I broke off a very long relationship with a man I was really, really in love with. I realized he was in love with love and not the person.
February 2010 I broke off a relationship with someone I thought I wanted to be friends with only to realize he was never my friend.
So, now I am facing another friend-break up, and I have to ask myself, "Is it me?"
Yes. Yes it is.
But it's not me in the the way one might think. It's me in this way: I have built relationships with people who are very demanding and I have allowed myself to take a position where I am the one who will accept the blame. I have passively accepted the role as a flawed person who should be grateful for someone else to throw some affection.
I love Lady Gaga and I'm not a fan of Madonna. Please don't ask me to leave your house because I might say a few negative words about it.
I get uncomfortable around hyper-sexual people. Please don't take me to Vegas for a Rugby tournament and ask me to go to a bath-house and skip the game.
Please don't ask me to sleep with you when I am in love with you and you have no intention of delving into being my boyfriend.
Is it their fault? No. Is it my fault? No. I have to find my self-worth. And it's a huge transition but I'm at a place in my life where I can begin to process this transition.
I'm breaking up with myself. I'm breaking up with my wishy-washy "I'm ok, you're ok" attitude. I'm over this load of crap I give to myself in which I accept the small grain of tolerance as a sign of friendship when it's really a game of control.
We're through.
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