Dear God,

Some days I feel like Miss Celie. "Dear God, I'm 14 years old... I've always been a good girl. Maybe you could give me a sign? Let me know what's happening to me."

Of course, the analogy between us ends right there but you get the gist. I was fired from my job on June 11th  and thought I had a great plan for my future. I was going to go back to school, get some classes under my belt and head towards a Master's degree. Well, that fell through.

Going back to school would have meant hitting a JR College. I would take the undergraduate per-requisites and then applied for the Master's program. But, here's the catch: Financial Aid. See, I already have a Bachelor's and JR Colleges aren't geared to prep someone for a Master's. Since I have a Bachelor's I needed to apply for financial aid with a specific academic plan. I could not deviate from this plan and I could not receive aid if I took one extra class not on the list. So, I had to rearrange my goals...

Then I turned 40. It was a fantastic trip to NYC and I was able to face demons from my past. I had a rare chance to look my 20 year old self in the face and place my time living there in perspective.

I recall viewing New York City as a world unto itself. It was mammoth and vast, overwhelming and dark. I was being swallowed alive and I had to get out of there. Upon returning I was able to see it as a city. A place with lots of people and lots of buildings. It was just another place and I was a person in it rather than a rat stuck on a wheel.

Coming home, I found myself excited about life. And then I fell into a funk. It's as if all my ways of thinking and all my ways of perceiving the world crashed around me and I didn't have a way to understand my world any more. Where was I headed? Where did I come from and what did it mean? Where do I go and how will I get there when- and if- I ever figure that out?

"Mid-life Crisis" Mode: Activated.

So, I've been puttering around, I've headed back to the gym, I've gone for bike rides and returned to running. But, my big question is: What's next?