OK!
March 9, 2014 is the 3rd Annual San Diego Half Marathon. I'm a "Legacy" runner (meaning I've done them all since this race began) and I'm really out of shape. So, to motivate myself and to keep myself honest I'll be blogging my progress here.
Where I'm starting:
Height: 6 ft 3 in
Weight: 308 lbs
This week I plan to walk today (Saturday 10/26) and then Monday, Wednesday and Friday for one hour each day. This is to get the "sedentary" out of my sad ass and to get back into the groove.
After this week I plan to start interval training with Podrunner Intervals. This is my favorite way to get into running and it's worked before. The only other thing I can think of to add to this is to rapidly drop weight and there's not enough time or money for a liquid diet (i.e. Optifast/Medifast/Nutrimed). So, I plan to adjust my eating and sleep habits to get myself in line with the success I'm going to have.
One last thing: I have a job. I have been unemployed since June 2012 and now it's October 2013. I've learned a lot about myself and it's time to take my life to the next level, people.
So many blessings! Time to make it worth something.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Before I Go To Bed...
I'm about to hit the hay and I really felt like posting something. And, not just any-old-thing.
I found out today that my previous employer would allow me to apply again and I am cleared to be rehired if I pass all the interviews. A part of me likes this idea.
Another part hates it. Don't get me wrong. I really liked working in my last position, the pay was good, the hours were great, the people were terrific and I enjoyed it. But, it was really stressful and I cared too much about things. Also, I don't think I want to go back to my old job even if they were hiring.
What I like about knowing is this: I was a good enough employee to be fired but still want to have back.
There's some satisfaction about that.
Also, I've been wondering what I'm going to do for work. I'm about to go to Ikea and Vons to ask for a job (nothing against them, they just don't pay that well and I'd have to work 2 jobs to make ends meet). As I continue thinking I keep coming back to a childhood dream. I really would love to work for Disney. I listen to a Podcast called "The Dis Unplugged" and, while there is a list a mile long as to why I want to chuck some of them out the window, there's also a list just as long as to why I like the podcast. A true love-hate situation. Anyhoo...
On the podcast there was a young lady who talked about going through the Disney College Program and I was just a little envious. The reason I was envious wasn't because she got to participate and I didn't. No, that's far too obvious an emotion for me. It's not even the other two podcasters telling their stories about having participated in it. It's because I wasn't that savvy as a 20 year old. My teens and twenties were a ball of confusion that I'm still teasing apart.
I know most people have a tough time in their twenties and I know for a fact that teenagers are a mess. But I was clueless. I mean, really clueless and I don't think I had the wherewithal to pull my act together and focus on something like that. Grant it, I did have it together enough to get myself to New York but that's a disaster of a whole different making. I look back now and realize what I really wanted to do was be a part of Disney and I didn't understand that.
All I'm saying is: Things could have been different. They aren't but they could have been.
But, there's still time and there are still other ways.
I found out today that my previous employer would allow me to apply again and I am cleared to be rehired if I pass all the interviews. A part of me likes this idea.
Another part hates it. Don't get me wrong. I really liked working in my last position, the pay was good, the hours were great, the people were terrific and I enjoyed it. But, it was really stressful and I cared too much about things. Also, I don't think I want to go back to my old job even if they were hiring.
What I like about knowing is this: I was a good enough employee to be fired but still want to have back.
There's some satisfaction about that.
Also, I've been wondering what I'm going to do for work. I'm about to go to Ikea and Vons to ask for a job (nothing against them, they just don't pay that well and I'd have to work 2 jobs to make ends meet). As I continue thinking I keep coming back to a childhood dream. I really would love to work for Disney. I listen to a Podcast called "The Dis Unplugged" and, while there is a list a mile long as to why I want to chuck some of them out the window, there's also a list just as long as to why I like the podcast. A true love-hate situation. Anyhoo...
On the podcast there was a young lady who talked about going through the Disney College Program and I was just a little envious. The reason I was envious wasn't because she got to participate and I didn't. No, that's far too obvious an emotion for me. It's not even the other two podcasters telling their stories about having participated in it. It's because I wasn't that savvy as a 20 year old. My teens and twenties were a ball of confusion that I'm still teasing apart.
I know most people have a tough time in their twenties and I know for a fact that teenagers are a mess. But I was clueless. I mean, really clueless and I don't think I had the wherewithal to pull my act together and focus on something like that. Grant it, I did have it together enough to get myself to New York but that's a disaster of a whole different making. I look back now and realize what I really wanted to do was be a part of Disney and I didn't understand that.
All I'm saying is: Things could have been different. They aren't but they could have been.
But, there's still time and there are still other ways.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
What's So Important?
I'm at a crossroads. And I always dislike these crossroads because years later I always sit around and wonder what would have happened if I'd have chosen differently.
The first big crossroads I had was leaving New York. The second was not going to a Master's program for Theatre. Now I'm wondering what to do about schooling and how to move ahead with my new career.
I've finished my Medical Assisting course and I'm volunteering at Paradise Valley Hospital. Now, I'm looking for a job but I also need to go to school so I can get on with a Physician's Assistant program in a few years time. That means taking Psychology, Chemistry, Biology, and repeating Human Anatomy and Physiology. Seems daunting, especially since I just finished a program but haven't started working in the field.
Exactly where do I go from here?
The first big crossroads I had was leaving New York. The second was not going to a Master's program for Theatre. Now I'm wondering what to do about schooling and how to move ahead with my new career.
I've finished my Medical Assisting course and I'm volunteering at Paradise Valley Hospital. Now, I'm looking for a job but I also need to go to school so I can get on with a Physician's Assistant program in a few years time. That means taking Psychology, Chemistry, Biology, and repeating Human Anatomy and Physiology. Seems daunting, especially since I just finished a program but haven't started working in the field.
Exactly where do I go from here?
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Answers
In March I went off Paxil. April, May and June were the first three months- in nearly 10 years since I started taking the medication- I have felt my actual emotions as they really are.
Much of the time I have experienced a feeling of "blah." I'm not excited to go and get engaged in social activities. I mostly keep to only a few people for my outings. These are people I have confided a great deal of my personal life with. One is my ex-boyfriend.
Mostly I have felt anger. In the past I would have feared this anger and run from it. I would have laughed off my feelings and pretended I'm not upset and I would have turned everything into a destructive game of passive-aggressive Russian Roulette. I now speak my mind.
I've had major insight into the reasons I do the things I do and one insight happened this evening. I was watching the first episode of Felicity. I have never seen the show but I am a fan of Eddie McClintock from Warehouse 13 and found out he was in an episode of Felicity in Season 1 called "Love and Marriage." (I found this while searching for LGBT characters on TV).
I recalled a time when I was an RA in my dorms at AMDA in New York. I had let my roommates convince me we should have a cat- after the went and got a cat and brought it home. We weren't supposed to have pets, the cat was found out and I was removed as an RA. Later, when I ran into another RA I asked if she'd heard I was no let go. She said all they had been told was I wasn't an RA any longer and that's all.
You see, I have always thought that everyone I encounter will eventually know everything about me through gossip. Why? Because my family was all about gossip when I was growing up. Also, if there was something to keep private it was openly discussed. I remember when I came out to my parents. My grandmother had found out but instead of talking to me about it she flew to her family in Arkansas and told them how disappointed she was. She never talked to me about it but I found out what she had done at her funeral. I also remember a time when a nurse came to the house to give my brother and me a physical. The nurse asked if there were any STD's and my father said yes and looked at my brother. He had to admit that his ex-girlfriend had given him chlamydia and I hadn't known about it. I could feel his embarrassment.
In my family there are no "secrets." Problem is: Everything is a secret so you have to expose yourself constantly or else you are hiding something and that makes you a bad person.
Sometimes things are just personal and private. That's why the RA didn't know about me. It's why I have never been able to be discreet about certain things. I am, however, really good at talking shit and making fun of nearly everything. I learned to laugh it off and make a joke out of it rather than feel the pain of ever-exposure and a lack of privacy. I didn't understand boundaries or know how to respect others' right to privacy, let alone my own. In fact, telling everything to everyone was something I wore like a badge.
The last year has been so amazing living on my own. I know I have a life that is mine to live and I can keep things to myself.
I have privacy. I like it.
Much of the time I have experienced a feeling of "blah." I'm not excited to go and get engaged in social activities. I mostly keep to only a few people for my outings. These are people I have confided a great deal of my personal life with. One is my ex-boyfriend.
Mostly I have felt anger. In the past I would have feared this anger and run from it. I would have laughed off my feelings and pretended I'm not upset and I would have turned everything into a destructive game of passive-aggressive Russian Roulette. I now speak my mind.
I've had major insight into the reasons I do the things I do and one insight happened this evening. I was watching the first episode of Felicity. I have never seen the show but I am a fan of Eddie McClintock from Warehouse 13 and found out he was in an episode of Felicity in Season 1 called "Love and Marriage." (I found this while searching for LGBT characters on TV).
I recalled a time when I was an RA in my dorms at AMDA in New York. I had let my roommates convince me we should have a cat- after the went and got a cat and brought it home. We weren't supposed to have pets, the cat was found out and I was removed as an RA. Later, when I ran into another RA I asked if she'd heard I was no let go. She said all they had been told was I wasn't an RA any longer and that's all.
You see, I have always thought that everyone I encounter will eventually know everything about me through gossip. Why? Because my family was all about gossip when I was growing up. Also, if there was something to keep private it was openly discussed. I remember when I came out to my parents. My grandmother had found out but instead of talking to me about it she flew to her family in Arkansas and told them how disappointed she was. She never talked to me about it but I found out what she had done at her funeral. I also remember a time when a nurse came to the house to give my brother and me a physical. The nurse asked if there were any STD's and my father said yes and looked at my brother. He had to admit that his ex-girlfriend had given him chlamydia and I hadn't known about it. I could feel his embarrassment.
In my family there are no "secrets." Problem is: Everything is a secret so you have to expose yourself constantly or else you are hiding something and that makes you a bad person.
Sometimes things are just personal and private. That's why the RA didn't know about me. It's why I have never been able to be discreet about certain things. I am, however, really good at talking shit and making fun of nearly everything. I learned to laugh it off and make a joke out of it rather than feel the pain of ever-exposure and a lack of privacy. I didn't understand boundaries or know how to respect others' right to privacy, let alone my own. In fact, telling everything to everyone was something I wore like a badge.
The last year has been so amazing living on my own. I know I have a life that is mine to live and I can keep things to myself.
I have privacy. I like it.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Life Changing Events
I've been working pretty hard at completing my Medical Assisting certificate and I can finally say that my classroom hours and course work are complete. (Insert big smiley face here).
I start my Clinical Externship on Monday but first I get to take a special field-trip. I've been offered a tour of the Orthopedic Department at the Balboa Naval Hospital in San Diego. It's just a few blocks from my apartment and I'll be meeting with the head of the department. Now, that's exciting.
Something even more exciting are my dreams and goals. I think, overall, they have been the same for a very long time but recently have taken on a different shape. I keep thinking about Doctors Without Borders. I would love to have a chance to see the world and help others at the same time. Of course, I completely understand that there will not be pastoral picnics and movies under the stars but it would be a wonderful way to help those in need.
My only concern is age. I have a tight window to follow my dreams. Most Physician's Assistant programs require 4,000 hours of clinical experience and I have 5-6 prerequisites to complete.
I'm planning to buy a home and I really want to adopt. That's the 5 Year Plan as of now. Kind of distracted this morning but I think it's all going to work out. Have to grab the bull by the horns (or nuts, whichever gets a better result, right?) and push on. Maybe I should become one of those "driven" people... let the games begin!!
I start my Clinical Externship on Monday but first I get to take a special field-trip. I've been offered a tour of the Orthopedic Department at the Balboa Naval Hospital in San Diego. It's just a few blocks from my apartment and I'll be meeting with the head of the department. Now, that's exciting.
Something even more exciting are my dreams and goals. I think, overall, they have been the same for a very long time but recently have taken on a different shape. I keep thinking about Doctors Without Borders. I would love to have a chance to see the world and help others at the same time. Of course, I completely understand that there will not be pastoral picnics and movies under the stars but it would be a wonderful way to help those in need.
My only concern is age. I have a tight window to follow my dreams. Most Physician's Assistant programs require 4,000 hours of clinical experience and I have 5-6 prerequisites to complete.
I'm planning to buy a home and I really want to adopt. That's the 5 Year Plan as of now. Kind of distracted this morning but I think it's all going to work out. Have to grab the bull by the horns (or nuts, whichever gets a better result, right?) and push on. Maybe I should become one of those "driven" people... let the games begin!!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Home Stretch...
I'm in the home stretch.
I have 3 more assignments left for my MA and after that I'll be out on an externship. I'm trying to focus on Orthopedics. It looks like a great field and I think it will be great to see people get better rather than treat the sick and dying.
In other news: I've developed a habit of not wanting to go out and be with people. Socially, that is. I don't know if I'm just becoming a recluse or if I genuinely dislike the majority of the population out there but I'm curious about it. I spoke to a few people and really what it comes down to, in my opinion, is this- Most people follow things the media tell them to and can't think for themselves most of the time. I find people to be phony. I find them smiling and putting on their best face but I don't feel like there's anything sincere about it.
Now, I'm speaking in sweeping generalities but to be honest I can say that there are only a hand full of people I find to be genuine and sincere.
I'll have to think about that a bit more, I guess.
Any way, I'm almost done with school and I can't wait to get this next phase started.
I have 3 more assignments left for my MA and after that I'll be out on an externship. I'm trying to focus on Orthopedics. It looks like a great field and I think it will be great to see people get better rather than treat the sick and dying.
In other news: I've developed a habit of not wanting to go out and be with people. Socially, that is. I don't know if I'm just becoming a recluse or if I genuinely dislike the majority of the population out there but I'm curious about it. I spoke to a few people and really what it comes down to, in my opinion, is this- Most people follow things the media tell them to and can't think for themselves most of the time. I find people to be phony. I find them smiling and putting on their best face but I don't feel like there's anything sincere about it.
Now, I'm speaking in sweeping generalities but to be honest I can say that there are only a hand full of people I find to be genuine and sincere.
I'll have to think about that a bit more, I guess.
Any way, I'm almost done with school and I can't wait to get this next phase started.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Whacky!
In an effort to catch you all up I wanted to give a quick post:
I'm attending Comprehensive Training Systems to become a Medical Assistant. It's been a battle to get this started but I can say I'm glad I'm doing it this way. I could have gone into debt another 12K, or I could have gone into debt another 3K... but I have, somehow, ended up with having all my training for free.
I'm up a lot in my weight. I'm at 300lbs and I'm really upset about it. It's a life-long struggle with food, emotions and all that but even more it's a struggle with my family and how they created their weight issues about themselves and have passed that on. Especially the depression, anxiety, self-loathing and co-dependent insanity. I love my family. I just have to get over them.
Mentioning getting over something: I'm phasing off of paroxatine (Paxil). This marks my first full week off anti-depressants in 10 years and withdrawal is kinda whacky. I'm crankier than usual and I'm getting mild bouts of what is called "brain shivers." Some people have severe symptoms. Mine are mild. I had a day of dizziness and sometimes when I close my eyes i hear a zzzzzz-ing sound in my head. Fun, huh? If you're on an SSRI or other anti-depressant, please discuss this with you doctor or at least notify your family and please taper off slowly. Cold Turkey is only good for sandwiches.
Other than that I'm just kinda broke most of the time. Being unemployed is super-glamorous that way. All joking aside, I'm really grateful to be where I am. I'm blessed to have some kind of income to allow me a way to live on my own, to grow and a man and to discover what I have to do with my life. Most people just fuck that up but I'm really in it to win it and like one of my favorite movies says, "You gotta risk it to get the biscuit."
Mmmm.... biscuits... I'm gonna be baking tonight!
I'm attending Comprehensive Training Systems to become a Medical Assistant. It's been a battle to get this started but I can say I'm glad I'm doing it this way. I could have gone into debt another 12K, or I could have gone into debt another 3K... but I have, somehow, ended up with having all my training for free.
I'm up a lot in my weight. I'm at 300lbs and I'm really upset about it. It's a life-long struggle with food, emotions and all that but even more it's a struggle with my family and how they created their weight issues about themselves and have passed that on. Especially the depression, anxiety, self-loathing and co-dependent insanity. I love my family. I just have to get over them.
Mentioning getting over something: I'm phasing off of paroxatine (Paxil). This marks my first full week off anti-depressants in 10 years and withdrawal is kinda whacky. I'm crankier than usual and I'm getting mild bouts of what is called "brain shivers." Some people have severe symptoms. Mine are mild. I had a day of dizziness and sometimes when I close my eyes i hear a zzzzzz-ing sound in my head. Fun, huh? If you're on an SSRI or other anti-depressant, please discuss this with you doctor or at least notify your family and please taper off slowly. Cold Turkey is only good for sandwiches.
Other than that I'm just kinda broke most of the time. Being unemployed is super-glamorous that way. All joking aside, I'm really grateful to be where I am. I'm blessed to have some kind of income to allow me a way to live on my own, to grow and a man and to discover what I have to do with my life. Most people just fuck that up but I'm really in it to win it and like one of my favorite movies says, "You gotta risk it to get the biscuit."
Mmmm.... biscuits... I'm gonna be baking tonight!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)