Please Take Down the Mistletoe

"Christmases When You Were Mine"

Please take down the misletoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
My momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope you're well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine

I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold

But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

Merry Christmas everybody
That'll have to be something I just say this year
I'll bet you got your mom another sweater
And were your cousins late again
When you were putting up the lights this year
Did you notice one less pair of hands

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

You were mine

Remembering for the Holidays

Saturday was a kickin' holiday party at my friend David's house. It was a great party and it was nice to see a lot of the guys I hang with at the Hole outside the bar.

However, I ran into my ex. Hmph. He was curt with me, but I found it ironic. I guess what I'm getting at is this: there are a lot of people I've had to let go and it's never easy. I think at this time of year I am feeling it more because it's the time people usually cuddle up with their loved one. I thought I was going to finally have that this year. I don't. So, do I need to mourn the loss of a dream or hope? Do I just go on and hope for next year.

I don't want to give up on that dream. I've let some dreams go because I realized they weren't what I needed to be but this one... I don' think I'm asking for too much. But maybe the dream isn't for me to have. That makes me sad so I'm not going to vote for that last choice.

11 days to Christmas. Tonight is the 4th night of Hanukkah. IT's all good. :)

Fun and Stuff

It's been fun these last few weeks.

I've processed a lot, but I have also started to feel like I am engaged in life. For a while I was just letting the days go by, kind of numb, but now I feel like having fun and stuff...

I went to December Nights last night with my friend Jano. It's a great event and I wish I could do a second night but funds are low right now not to mention the fact that I have to work in the morning. But I am totally up for it next year!

I ran into a friend, Justin, as I was heading into the Spirits Garden (like a beer garden but with liquor and beer... sweet...) and we caught up for a bit. I miss hanging with him. It's been a long time and I guess I just never took it upon myself to make a friendship happen. Well, I think I can prove I can change, so I'll start making that happen more often.

So, things are better and I'm really excited about it.

Shakin' my Bootie!

But I went out last night to LL Bear at Rich's to meet my friend Jano. When I got in line I noticed my ex was already inside. And when I saw him it was as if I didn't have anything to feel about it. Then I got really angry. Then I was afraid to run into him because I'd just be a bitch and I don't need any more of that karma in my life.

Thank god for Jano. He helped me steer clear of my ex and we ended up having an awesome night filled with hot guys, dancing and a few drinks. Super-awesome all around! I let myself go and got into the music. I have to say, it's been a while since I've done that and I want to do it again... and again... and again.

As far as what I feel about my ex?

I'm just ex-hausted.

Not So Much Lovin'

Itai and I broke up about 7 weeks ago. It'a been a tough 2 months.

Some days I am ok. Life moves forward and all that. Recently it's been getting a lot better. But Itai isn't the only thing that went horribly awry.

Early September I was arrested for a DUI. I spent the night in the drunk tank and was told to go to court on Oct. 28th. When I arrived I was told all charges had been dropped, but I had been stressing about it for over a month and the relief was overwhelming.

Also in September my bird died. It was sad even though he was totally annoying at best. But to have a living creature die in your hand is a moving experience and I am saddened by his departure from my life. I still kind of miss my little yellow friend.

I think Itai was the icing on the cake. I have never put myself out to such lengths for someone and the way I loved him was in a way I thought impossible. But I did. And a part of me always will. My heart is lost right now and I've been searching for a path in life that I thought I'd have a partner help me with only to find that I am alone now all is said and done. It's not sad. I'ts something beyond that and greater than that but it's not' sad. It's not even depressing. It's a loss. Something has been lost in my life and it's not coming back. I don't want it to, either.

I need a break for a while from everything. I think I'll have some time to shill out soon. thank God I have anti-depressants. LOL

Changes

Lots of changes have been happening.
Where do you place friends? Where do I place myself as a friend?

I have a friend who thinks I throw him under the bus all the time. I think it's because I have a dark sense of humor and he isn't able to take the jibes. That's ok. But he also made some really smart points. I have an unbalanced enjoyment of gossip and it's come back to bite me in the ass all year this year... Oddly, I thought I cut people out of my life that were sources of drama only to find that I, myself, am a clearinghouse for drama. All in all, I haven't been a good friend because I can't seem to break that cycle. So, that's one thing I need to work on.

My ex wanted to be my friend. But it's complicated and in the end it's all about how I feel about him not being respectful of my feelings. The other day he said, in a single sentence, "You have every right to me angry. Now, can we move on?" Wait... I am allowed to be angry... and now that time is over. NOW! Hmmm... That's not contradictory.

On another note: I turned 37 a few weeks ago. I have started my 40 list and there's not much on it. In a way that's good. I have done a lot in my life. In another way it's tragic. Do I not have dreams? Maybe I need to have some dreams of my own and new aspirations. Something to get excited about.

Get excited, people!

My Dream

I had a dream last night. I was walking on a sandy beach at night. there were lots of other travelers, some walking faster, some slower. Some were walking in the opposite direction. The beach was dark and we were next to a cliff.

I had something that I was bringing with me. It was large, kind of heavy, but manageable. Others had things they were carrying, some were bogged down, others were walking with ease.

I was barefoot. I thought, "When I get there my feet will hurt a bit, but I will rest. Then I can walk back and my feet should be fine."

That's deep.