IT ALL BEGINS TOMORROW!

I'm doing Optifast. Tomorrow is the last day of food and starting Tuesday I go on a liquid fast. Sounds drastic, huh? Well, I'm desperate.

Why am I doing this?

Two months ago I sat down with my mother and I told her I wanted to do Optifast. She said it was too expensive. She said it would be too hard. But I had a comeback.

I knew at that time there were two truths.
1) I spend more that $140 a week on food. Optifast was cheaper.
2) I had been obese since 4th or 5th grade. That means I had been "over weight" or simply fat (aka: Fatty McFatterton) for 27 years. (I'm 38 right now- 39 in September).

Plus, I have an arsenal of health reasons:
- Diabetes: My mom, dad and dad's side of the family
- Cancer: Uncle Larry died of Colo-rectal Cancer and another uncle from testicular. And my grandma had leukemia (or was it lymphoma. I can't recall which one).
- Heart problems: Uncle Robert died just 2 months ago from a heart attack and my parents have high blood pressure. I have struggled with it, too.
- Arthritis: On both sides of my family and my mom has Fibromyalgia.

I think that's a good list. But then there's the incredibly vain side of me: I'd say it's because I'm a gay man but I think we all feel this way...

I want to wear a speedo. I want to look good in some designer clothes and wear things that make me feel sexy. As my brother put it, " I'm sick of shopping for clothes and picking the the one thing that looks less like a pup-tent." Also my sister-in-law made a good point about her weight. "I can be fat and I can be forty. But, I can't be fat AND forty." I think that gets right to the point.

On top of it all I chose to run a 1/2 marathon. I signed up for the Disneyland Half on September 4th. Needless to say I can't do it. But I'm up for the 1/2 Marathon at Disney World in January. I should be at my goal weight and mostly on solid food again. I used to run 5K's when I was 250 lbs. Now at 311 lbs I think I can work my way to 220 lbs and 13.1 miles of walking and running with a pace of 15 minutes per mile.

I kind-of have to. It was $150 to register and I have a $2,000.00 vacation planned with my buddy Matt Myers.

So: "Fat since a kid," and "Bad family health," plus "Crazy-Big Challenge." Oh, and, "Really selfish but understandable reasons."

I'm gonna suck-down shakes and make a change in my life.

I haven't been myself recently. And by recently I mean 2 years.

It's been one loss after another, one revelation after another that the things I thought I wanted and the people I believed in were utter horse crap.

And then I have to understand that the pattern really points to me. I'm the culprit. I'm really bad at keeping in touch with friends when they live out of town (and even the ones in town, too). I trust and believe in people as a friend and I'm not really sure they are my friend, but I assume they will be- or are- and it's an empty faith.

I thought I wanted to do theatre. Nope. I thought I wanted to manage a Starbucks. Double nope. And now I don't know what I want to do. I just like my job, my family but not my life.

I like myself, but I'm not really excited about myself. Or, anything for that matter.

So, I'm going to go through a transformation. I think I'm close to rock-bottom and what I'm about to embark upon will take me there, shred me up and then show me the way out.

Long Day's Journey Into Night... No more. :)

My Uncle passed away a few weeks ago. His ashes are in Louisiana and will come back here to San Diego to be buried at Point Loma Cemetery.

In 3 weeks I will start Optifast. I plan to lose quite a bit of weight. The only drawback will be the second week I'm on the program. I'll be at Disneyland with my friend Matt and he'll get to eat but I'll be suckin' down shakes. It's ok. I'll just have to deal with it.

I should get you caught up:

- I am training for a 1/2 Marathon. :) It's the greatest and dumbest idea I've had in a long time, but I think it's just what I need. So, today I ran 2 minutes, walked 3 minutes 10 x's and it was a total of 3.2 miles.

- I am trying not to wish horrible things would happen to the people I've mentioned in previous posts. It's hard, but I try. And I even try to think of loving things towards them. That's even harder.

That's all. :)

Turn Around... Bright, Eyes...

Can I bitch for a minute?
Thanks.

A group of people I once had as friends have slowly excluded me. And the thing is, it's all because I can't deal with one person. The irony is, most people don't like the guy, either, but he's good looking so he gets invited. I, however, do not, even though everyone says they really like me.

So, am I just over reacting? Or is that smoke up my ass?

I know one thing. That's a knife in my heart and it really, really hurts.

When a Friend = Fail

I went in to church today and just didn't feel myself. Usually when I go in at 8:15am I'm ready to sing and have a good time but today and the last few Sundays I felt like I wanted to just run.

So I did. I sang through first service and then bolted out the back door. I was bound and determined to just drive. So I just drove. And I drove to grab some coffee where I ran into an awesome barista from my days at Starbucks. Well, he made me get my head working again and I finally realized what has been bringing me so much heart ache.

I'm pissed off at some really awful people. I want to shake them like a British nanny. I realized I never have gotten angry and had my say to a few people I once cherished. And even though I have been fantastic at feeling guilty about having to cut these people out of my life I have never really dug down into the reason I cut them out.

Because they are losers. They FAIL.

It's more than just feng-shui-ing myself into a hallucination of feel-good, drum-circle inspired vagina-in-the-mirror-gazing shenanigans. I got really pissed and realized that when the cards were laid out the people whom I'd called my friends were really a fantastical group of self-centered ego-maniacs. There was never a point when they were my friend. I was always their friend. Now for some of you this might seem like an interesting statement and you are confused so let me explain.

As a friend we help our friends. We see their need or they ask for it and we give. We are being their friend.

But when we need help or we need respect from them... well... we don't get any. They are not our friend. The friendship is one sided.

I was going to name names and air out grievances. I can't. That's not fair to myself. I deserve to tell these people to their faces how angry I am. But, most importantly, I deserve to be angry. I didn't walk away from a relationship because there was no relationship to walk away from.

But I will say this: F-you. F-you in the butt-hole. (And not in the good way).

17 Months ago...

September 2009 I broke off a very long relationship with a man I was really, really in love with. I realized he was in love with love and not the person.

February 2010 I broke off a relationship with someone I thought I wanted to be friends with only to realize he was never my friend.

So, now I am facing another friend-break up, and I have to ask myself, "Is it me?"

Yes. Yes it is.

But it's not me in the the way one might think. It's me in this way: I have built relationships with people who are very demanding and I have allowed myself to take a position where I am the one who will accept the blame. I have passively accepted the role as a flawed person who should be grateful for someone else to throw some affection.

I love Lady Gaga and I'm not a fan of Madonna. Please don't ask me to leave your house because I might say a few negative words about it.

I get uncomfortable around hyper-sexual people. Please don't take me to Vegas for a Rugby tournament and ask me to go to a bath-house and skip the game.

Please don't ask me to sleep with you when I am in love with you and you have no intention of delving into being my boyfriend.

Is it their fault? No. Is it my fault? No. I have to find my self-worth. And it's a huge transition but I'm at a place in my life where I can begin to process this transition.

I'm breaking up with myself. I'm breaking up with my wishy-washy "I'm ok, you're ok" attitude. I'm over this load of crap I give to myself in which I accept the small grain of tolerance as a sign of friendship when it's really a game of control.

We're through.