Merry Christmas and I hope I make it!

Post non-apocalypse update here.

So, like I guessed, no crazy apocalypse on December 21st. I read a fantastic book by John Major Jenkins. Now, he takes a few liberties but he also explains himself clearly. The gist is: Mayans liked to count time. They also liked things such as Solstices and Equinoxes and alignments of many sorts. A visual (not actual) alignment of Earth, the Sun and the center of our galaxy (not the actual center or black hole but the central bulge that is kinda where it is) happens on December 21, 2012.

The End. The other clowns who say the Dresden Codex shows a flood at the end but I take that as a representation of Aquarius and we are moving from one age (currently Pisces) to the next. Aquarius is the Water Bearer and the codex talks about a Rain God... Kinda links up there if you think about it.

Any hoo... I'm nearing the end of my unemployment benefit from the state and I hope to hear about Federal. If it pans out, and I hope it does, I might be able to get enough to take me to the start of school in February and then I'm pretty much set from there.

More news later. Just glad to have it all over with where the end of the world is concerned.

Dear God,

Some days I feel like Miss Celie. "Dear God, I'm 14 years old... I've always been a good girl. Maybe you could give me a sign? Let me know what's happening to me."

Of course, the analogy between us ends right there but you get the gist. I was fired from my job on June 11th  and thought I had a great plan for my future. I was going to go back to school, get some classes under my belt and head towards a Master's degree. Well, that fell through.

Going back to school would have meant hitting a JR College. I would take the undergraduate per-requisites and then applied for the Master's program. But, here's the catch: Financial Aid. See, I already have a Bachelor's and JR Colleges aren't geared to prep someone for a Master's. Since I have a Bachelor's I needed to apply for financial aid with a specific academic plan. I could not deviate from this plan and I could not receive aid if I took one extra class not on the list. So, I had to rearrange my goals...

Then I turned 40. It was a fantastic trip to NYC and I was able to face demons from my past. I had a rare chance to look my 20 year old self in the face and place my time living there in perspective.

I recall viewing New York City as a world unto itself. It was mammoth and vast, overwhelming and dark. I was being swallowed alive and I had to get out of there. Upon returning I was able to see it as a city. A place with lots of people and lots of buildings. It was just another place and I was a person in it rather than a rat stuck on a wheel.

Coming home, I found myself excited about life. And then I fell into a funk. It's as if all my ways of thinking and all my ways of perceiving the world crashed around me and I didn't have a way to understand my world any more. Where was I headed? Where did I come from and what did it mean? Where do I go and how will I get there when- and if- I ever figure that out?

"Mid-life Crisis" Mode: Activated.

So, I've been puttering around, I've headed back to the gym, I've gone for bike rides and returned to running. But, my big question is: What's next?

Taking A Pounding (It's a long one).

So, it's been weird. Weird in a good way. I've come to realize life likes to let me think I'm in charge and just when I've decided everything is fine... KA-BLAM! Old issues come up.

As I've written before: there are a few people I've dumped as friends and recently I've run into 2 of them. These are people who decided to make decisions about our relationship without consulting me so, like-wise... I made decisions without consulting them. Namely: ditching them as fiends and never speaking to them again. (I know... so mature, huh)?

Well, my decision was based on being angry. I'd thought time would heal that anger.

No flippin' way! One of them asked me why they aren't my friend on Facebook. Now, I do need to point out that I "un-friended" them a long time ago and he's just now wondering why. So I told him. His response was to tell me I should have said something to him (in my defense, I did...) and he's fine to not be my friend and he'll see me around.

Dude needs a clue phone. When a text message conversation goes like this:
(This text message is based on real events)
HIM: How's it going?
ME: Mom's still in the hospital but I'm ok.
HIM: Oh. Hey, Love Lady Gaga's new song. I tell people I'm on the edge... of glory.
ME: Cool.
(end of message)

Dick.

The other guy is still on my Shit-List. He wanted to have a toast to the Olympics with me one night. I said no. He said, "Not even for the Olympics?" I said, "NO." What makes me so angry is how cavalier he is with me. I haven't given him the time of day for 2 years and whenever he approaches me it's always with some trite, ridiculous, vapid concept. When I don't play along he just shrugs and shakes his head as if I'm being difficult.

I am being difficult. Actually, no I'm not. I'm standing my ground. We have some really deep things to address and I'm not playing any games. He wants me to toast the Olympics. Why? To feel better about me hating him.  If I toast with him then this is a sign I've forgiven him and ham ready to move on without dealing with his hateful, disgusting, selfish behavior. And I'm not going to let him have that from me. He gets nothing from me until he hears me out or starts explaining himself for his behavior.

It's insulting.

Addressing this anger and recognizing it's still there is important. I've stalled my training and work-outs because I feel guilty for being this angry. But I have every right to be pissed-off. I have to be supportive of myself when it comes to being angry and mad-as-hell because it's normal and healthy to feel these emotions. My usual method to deal with it is to stuff it down with huge amounts of food. And I've succeeded to pack on 70 pounds. No bueno.

So I'm tired of sitting and stewing. I'm tired of eating "comfort" foods that really don't do the trick. I'm off to find my comfort in real, tangible things. Running, cycling, healthy eating and school.

Oh, and a part-time job to pay for rent & food.

You Wanna F me? Well, F, You, DB!

I love that very few people check this out. It's nice to think that if someone waltzed on by they'd stop and think, "Who is this dork?"

I had a lovely conversation with a guy I used to screw around with. I'd friended him on FB after knowing and screwing him for year. He has a boyfriend now and he posts pictures of how happy he is, ziplining and skiing and such. And then he writes me one day out of the blue:

I thought, "WTF?" You dirty ass-clown! Cheating, lying, filthy, mangy bastard.
So I wrote him this:

I was trying to be nice. Notice I blessed him? And I totally removed the part where I said I feel terribly for his BF having to be with a cheating asshole like him.

I guess I've grown up a bit. It's not that I was aiding someone in cheating on his boy friend. It's not even that he was being pushy about the rules he wanted to enforce. I deserved better treatment. And I have half a mind to post the actual chat on FB and call him out on it. But I won't. I'm greater than that.

God is good.

Gaining What I've Lost

So, I've bounced back a bit.

I lost 108 lbs but I've gained 30 back. It's disappointing but I guess it's not all bad. I've found out a few things:

I'm allergic to dairy. There. I've said it. And it's not like: "I'm allergic so I puke," allergic. It's far more sinister. I get nausea, sure, but then the gas begins. It's not that it's just uncomfortable. It's not just that I fart a lot. It's that the gas smells like a double-dealing, back-stabbing, syphilitic whore-rodent died and is rotting in my bowels. The oozing corpse is infesting my intestines and burns on the way out. Wait, let me try and paint a clearer picture for you...

So, there's that. And, I'm not sure if I'll have a job at the end of next week. Fun, huh? I might have a job but still be on the chopping block. I also might have a job and not be on the chopping block. But I just might have to start filing for unemployment and at least I'll have a small break, right?

But, I am happy. I really am. Not everything is sunshine and roses. I remember saying one day, "It takes a lot of rain to make you appreciate the sunshine. And it takes a ton of horse-shit to make a beautiful rose garden."

Maybe I'll become a hippie and get high all day and join a womyn's drum circle. I'll braid hemp bracelets and sell incense in OB. See? I have options!

Here I Go, Here I Go, Here I Go Again...

I'm finally off on my own now. March 15th I moved into my very own place and I'm loving it.

It's strange to not have another person coming into chat, cook, watch tv, But, I am enjoying the solitude I'm experiencing right now and I think that's the richest part of my journey.

Here's my little Shangrila:

Such an oasis, huh?

Well, truly, it's wonderful and I'm glad to be at a place in my life where I know no matter what I can be my own man and person.

I love the building, too. It's most gorgeous at night. Here's another pic:

I love coming home to such a pretty building.

Things at work are stressful, but I know I'll manage. Just taking everything day by day.

Miles and Miles and Miles....

It's been a while but I've had such an amazing time.

First off, there have been changes afoot. I'm in my own place and loving it. Of course it's day 2 and I have a ton of unpacking to do but it's nice to have a place all my own.

It's a cute little studio and I'm close to everything.

I've completed my 3rd 1/2 Marathon. So far it's been life this:

-Disney World 1/2= 3:01:45
-Death Valley 1/2= 2:48:00
-San Diego/Petco 1/2= 2:40:18

And here's some pictures!

Yup. That's me doing something I never thought I could.

As far as weight loss. I have finally settled into the 2.20-ish range. It's a nice weight. I would like to go lower and stay lower but I think this is where I need to be right now. And I'm glad I can manage it.

Other wise, life is good right now.

That is all. :)

And the Date Goes On

8 months until 40! And, I've got a bunch of stuff to do.

First off, I'm phasing off of Optifast. I'll have 8 weeks of maintenance and then monthly meeting for a few months. I've been at 205 for a few weeks now and just hanging around a 3 lb range up or down. It's nice to be a weight that is so low and be able to maintain it.

I ran the Disney World 1/2 Marathon.

 3 hours, 1 minute, 46 seconds. And that brings me to 1/2 Marathons:

February: Death Valley 1/2
March: San Diego 1/2
April: La Jolla 1/2
May:
June: Rock-N-Roll 1/2
July:
August: America's Finest City 1/2
September: Disneyland 1/2
October:
November:
December:
January: Disney World 1/2

Just have to find 5 more and complete the full year, but I'm excited! I'm ready to run and get to 40 with a bang.

Then there's dating. I'm back on the market and I've been on 2 dates. One cancelled the other... well, he was really awesome and I'm excited to see him again. That said, I know I'm single and available so I'm not going to settle down too son but I'm sure excited to be out again and meeting people.