I haven't been myself recently. And by recently I mean 2 years.

It's been one loss after another, one revelation after another that the things I thought I wanted and the people I believed in were utter horse crap.

And then I have to understand that the pattern really points to me. I'm the culprit. I'm really bad at keeping in touch with friends when they live out of town (and even the ones in town, too). I trust and believe in people as a friend and I'm not really sure they are my friend, but I assume they will be- or are- and it's an empty faith.

I thought I wanted to do theatre. Nope. I thought I wanted to manage a Starbucks. Double nope. And now I don't know what I want to do. I just like my job, my family but not my life.

I like myself, but I'm not really excited about myself. Or, anything for that matter.

So, I'm going to go through a transformation. I think I'm close to rock-bottom and what I'm about to embark upon will take me there, shred me up and then show me the way out.

Long Day's Journey Into Night... No more. :)

My Uncle passed away a few weeks ago. His ashes are in Louisiana and will come back here to San Diego to be buried at Point Loma Cemetery.

In 3 weeks I will start Optifast. I plan to lose quite a bit of weight. The only drawback will be the second week I'm on the program. I'll be at Disneyland with my friend Matt and he'll get to eat but I'll be suckin' down shakes. It's ok. I'll just have to deal with it.

I should get you caught up:

- I am training for a 1/2 Marathon. :) It's the greatest and dumbest idea I've had in a long time, but I think it's just what I need. So, today I ran 2 minutes, walked 3 minutes 10 x's and it was a total of 3.2 miles.

- I am trying not to wish horrible things would happen to the people I've mentioned in previous posts. It's hard, but I try. And I even try to think of loving things towards them. That's even harder.

That's all. :)

Turn Around... Bright, Eyes...

Can I bitch for a minute?
Thanks.

A group of people I once had as friends have slowly excluded me. And the thing is, it's all because I can't deal with one person. The irony is, most people don't like the guy, either, but he's good looking so he gets invited. I, however, do not, even though everyone says they really like me.

So, am I just over reacting? Or is that smoke up my ass?

I know one thing. That's a knife in my heart and it really, really hurts.

When a Friend = Fail

I went in to church today and just didn't feel myself. Usually when I go in at 8:15am I'm ready to sing and have a good time but today and the last few Sundays I felt like I wanted to just run.

So I did. I sang through first service and then bolted out the back door. I was bound and determined to just drive. So I just drove. And I drove to grab some coffee where I ran into an awesome barista from my days at Starbucks. Well, he made me get my head working again and I finally realized what has been bringing me so much heart ache.

I'm pissed off at some really awful people. I want to shake them like a British nanny. I realized I never have gotten angry and had my say to a few people I once cherished. And even though I have been fantastic at feeling guilty about having to cut these people out of my life I have never really dug down into the reason I cut them out.

Because they are losers. They FAIL.

It's more than just feng-shui-ing myself into a hallucination of feel-good, drum-circle inspired vagina-in-the-mirror-gazing shenanigans. I got really pissed and realized that when the cards were laid out the people whom I'd called my friends were really a fantastical group of self-centered ego-maniacs. There was never a point when they were my friend. I was always their friend. Now for some of you this might seem like an interesting statement and you are confused so let me explain.

As a friend we help our friends. We see their need or they ask for it and we give. We are being their friend.

But when we need help or we need respect from them... well... we don't get any. They are not our friend. The friendship is one sided.

I was going to name names and air out grievances. I can't. That's not fair to myself. I deserve to tell these people to their faces how angry I am. But, most importantly, I deserve to be angry. I didn't walk away from a relationship because there was no relationship to walk away from.

But I will say this: F-you. F-you in the butt-hole. (And not in the good way).

17 Months ago...

September 2009 I broke off a very long relationship with a man I was really, really in love with. I realized he was in love with love and not the person.

February 2010 I broke off a relationship with someone I thought I wanted to be friends with only to realize he was never my friend.

So, now I am facing another friend-break up, and I have to ask myself, "Is it me?"

Yes. Yes it is.

But it's not me in the the way one might think. It's me in this way: I have built relationships with people who are very demanding and I have allowed myself to take a position where I am the one who will accept the blame. I have passively accepted the role as a flawed person who should be grateful for someone else to throw some affection.

I love Lady Gaga and I'm not a fan of Madonna. Please don't ask me to leave your house because I might say a few negative words about it.

I get uncomfortable around hyper-sexual people. Please don't take me to Vegas for a Rugby tournament and ask me to go to a bath-house and skip the game.

Please don't ask me to sleep with you when I am in love with you and you have no intention of delving into being my boyfriend.

Is it their fault? No. Is it my fault? No. I have to find my self-worth. And it's a huge transition but I'm at a place in my life where I can begin to process this transition.

I'm breaking up with myself. I'm breaking up with my wishy-washy "I'm ok, you're ok" attitude. I'm over this load of crap I give to myself in which I accept the small grain of tolerance as a sign of friendship when it's really a game of control.

We're through.

What I couldn't post on Facebook...

Sun tanning? CHECK! Narrations? CHECK! Errands run? CHECK!

Now to make my bed and sleep. Weird to be up at 2am. This used to be my final hour of sleep before destroying myself slinging coffee all day and scrubbing sinks and drains... and dipping my hands in cleaning solutions that gave me eczema... and smiling at people I don't like and saying things like, "Have a great day!" when I really want to say, "That nonfat milk in your 8 pump white mocha with extra whipped cream is a lie. You're lying to yourself you fool! Please enjoy your diabetes... and that second chin you're about to develop."

Now I get to talk about why people need more insurance... mainly because I don't want to sue them when I'm made paraplegic after they hit me because they ran a red light and exhaust the 15K cap on their auto policy...

I need to go to sleep... It's like my typing has turned into diarrhea of the hands... Finger... hands... ugh.

Nite!