I should get you caught up:

- I am training for a 1/2 Marathon. :) It's the greatest and dumbest idea I've had in a long time, but I think it's just what I need. So, today I ran 2 minutes, walked 3 minutes 10 x's and it was a total of 3.2 miles.

- I am trying not to wish horrible things would happen to the people I've mentioned in previous posts. It's hard, but I try. And I even try to think of loving things towards them. That's even harder.

That's all. :)

Turn Around... Bright, Eyes...

Can I bitch for a minute?
Thanks.

A group of people I once had as friends have slowly excluded me. And the thing is, it's all because I can't deal with one person. The irony is, most people don't like the guy, either, but he's good looking so he gets invited. I, however, do not, even though everyone says they really like me.

So, am I just over reacting? Or is that smoke up my ass?

I know one thing. That's a knife in my heart and it really, really hurts.

When a Friend = Fail

I went in to church today and just didn't feel myself. Usually when I go in at 8:15am I'm ready to sing and have a good time but today and the last few Sundays I felt like I wanted to just run.

So I did. I sang through first service and then bolted out the back door. I was bound and determined to just drive. So I just drove. And I drove to grab some coffee where I ran into an awesome barista from my days at Starbucks. Well, he made me get my head working again and I finally realized what has been bringing me so much heart ache.

I'm pissed off at some really awful people. I want to shake them like a British nanny. I realized I never have gotten angry and had my say to a few people I once cherished. And even though I have been fantastic at feeling guilty about having to cut these people out of my life I have never really dug down into the reason I cut them out.

Because they are losers. They FAIL.

It's more than just feng-shui-ing myself into a hallucination of feel-good, drum-circle inspired vagina-in-the-mirror-gazing shenanigans. I got really pissed and realized that when the cards were laid out the people whom I'd called my friends were really a fantastical group of self-centered ego-maniacs. There was never a point when they were my friend. I was always their friend. Now for some of you this might seem like an interesting statement and you are confused so let me explain.

As a friend we help our friends. We see their need or they ask for it and we give. We are being their friend.

But when we need help or we need respect from them... well... we don't get any. They are not our friend. The friendship is one sided.

I was going to name names and air out grievances. I can't. That's not fair to myself. I deserve to tell these people to their faces how angry I am. But, most importantly, I deserve to be angry. I didn't walk away from a relationship because there was no relationship to walk away from.

But I will say this: F-you. F-you in the butt-hole. (And not in the good way).

17 Months ago...

September 2009 I broke off a very long relationship with a man I was really, really in love with. I realized he was in love with love and not the person.

February 2010 I broke off a relationship with someone I thought I wanted to be friends with only to realize he was never my friend.

So, now I am facing another friend-break up, and I have to ask myself, "Is it me?"

Yes. Yes it is.

But it's not me in the the way one might think. It's me in this way: I have built relationships with people who are very demanding and I have allowed myself to take a position where I am the one who will accept the blame. I have passively accepted the role as a flawed person who should be grateful for someone else to throw some affection.

I love Lady Gaga and I'm not a fan of Madonna. Please don't ask me to leave your house because I might say a few negative words about it.

I get uncomfortable around hyper-sexual people. Please don't take me to Vegas for a Rugby tournament and ask me to go to a bath-house and skip the game.

Please don't ask me to sleep with you when I am in love with you and you have no intention of delving into being my boyfriend.

Is it their fault? No. Is it my fault? No. I have to find my self-worth. And it's a huge transition but I'm at a place in my life where I can begin to process this transition.

I'm breaking up with myself. I'm breaking up with my wishy-washy "I'm ok, you're ok" attitude. I'm over this load of crap I give to myself in which I accept the small grain of tolerance as a sign of friendship when it's really a game of control.

We're through.

What I couldn't post on Facebook...

Sun tanning? CHECK! Narrations? CHECK! Errands run? CHECK!

Now to make my bed and sleep. Weird to be up at 2am. This used to be my final hour of sleep before destroying myself slinging coffee all day and scrubbing sinks and drains... and dipping my hands in cleaning solutions that gave me eczema... and smiling at people I don't like and saying things like, "Have a great day!" when I really want to say, "That nonfat milk in your 8 pump white mocha with extra whipped cream is a lie. You're lying to yourself you fool! Please enjoy your diabetes... and that second chin you're about to develop."

Now I get to talk about why people need more insurance... mainly because I don't want to sue them when I'm made paraplegic after they hit me because they ran a red light and exhaust the 15K cap on their auto policy...

I need to go to sleep... It's like my typing has turned into diarrhea of the hands... Finger... hands... ugh.

Nite!

Feelin' It

I've been feeling a bit low recently. I guess it's all the changes I've been experiencing. But I do have to say that I've had a big break through.

After being angry for so long, I have finally found compassion. I've also found forgiveness and I have also found myself guilty of being human.

My ex had been checking out my profile on a website. I know this because when you open the "pals" list his picture popped up as someone who has looked at my profile. So I sent him an angry message. Not horrible, but angry. When he wrote me back he expressed his confusion over why I am upset with him and ehy I have chosen to not communicate with him. And he also said he wanted me to move on... Wha-wha-wha-What???

Yes. I was not moving on. I have not been moving on for a long time. I have been harboring how angry I have been.

And then there is my Mom. She said to me the other day, "You stay angry. You want everyone to know how angry you are and how you feel wronged by someone." Yikes. That's an honest assessment.

Growing up sucks. But I'm glad I'm doing it.

The Long Haul

Changes, good and bad.

Work: I'm stepping down as a Shift Supervisor at Starbucks. I have loved the job but I don't feel satisfied in my life. It takes a lot out of me to work odd hours and not have a schedule that is regular. I'm not a kid any more, so I need something steady.

Travel: I had a great time in Vegas, but the trip left me thinking about friends. Who supports me and lifts me up? Who do I lift up and support? Who drags me down? Who do I bring down? In this year of transformation I need to transform my friendships. Some will transform into more, some less and some into nothingness.

Life: I'm alive. I've been through a lot in my few years here and I'm so grateful for the lessons I have learned. I'm scared of the lessons that are coming up, but I'm open to them and embrace them as they come.

Being open to everything. That's my new motto.