When a Jamaican Woman Gives You a Rose...

I was reminded of something that happened to me a long time ago and I wish I was making this up but sometimes the Universe has a way of manifesting what you need:

I was riding the subway home after work one night. I was very depressed. I hated my two jobs, my ex-boyfriend came into town and tried to seduce me and then when I fell for it he told me I was ugly and unattractive, I was an emotional mess.

The door at the end of the train opened and a large, curvy, homeless Jamaican woman came in. She wore a pink head wrap and a white shawl. She had a fist full of droopy roses and sang a gorgeous song about birds- I can still hear the melody in my head today- and she came up to me and handed me a rose. I told her I didn’t have any money to spare. She looked at me with a smile and said, “This rose is for you.” So, I took the rose and dug in my pocket. I found a dollar and gave it to her so she gave me another rose.

Then, she said, “This is for the dollar. The first one was just for you. You need to be happy.”
The train came to a stop at a station and the doors opened. As she stepped out she looked back at me and smiled again and said, “You need to be happy.” The doors closed and the train moved on.

I was schooled by a homeless Jamaican woman selling sad, droopy roses on the subway.

Why?

The Universe was telling me that she had more than me and she even had enough to spare: Happiness.

Well, Happiness and Wisdom.

Law of Attraction

I watched "The Secret."

I really don't give a rat's ass if you think it's hooey or dumb. I don't care if you missed the point and ask "what about the worlds ills" and such. You clearly weren't paying attention.

One thing I have learned in life is this: I can only control Me. I can't make someone think something, do something, be something, like something, etc. I can, however, do that for myself. I can learn to like certain people, situations, experiences, and what-not. I can also change my mind, convince myself of anything and so-on. But, I'm not capable of feeding every starving man, woman or child. But I can, however, do things to help. I can pray and donate money.

One idea that I was totally in love with was this quick idea from Mother Teresa: Don't go to an anti-war rally. you are giving credence to WAR. Go to a PEACE rally. Promote Peace.

It's in the perspective. It's in the specificity of the idea. You asked for something to stop but not anything to put in it's place. Stop War. But the universe doesn't like this. Peace is implied, of course but that's not what is being asked for. Ask for Peace. Peace replaces War. Ask for abundance for all people. Abundance replaces starvation and poverty.

I see so much in my life I would like to bring into existence and I think it's been my mind-set to repel positive things. I think this is the lineage of my family and it is a piece I have to break and replace with positivity.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Woops, I Did It Again.

Well, I've gone and done it now. I've gained back my weight and I'm kinda sad about it. But I'm not angry at myself. One thing I've learned is this: Fighting the good fight is hard and it's the strategy that counts.

On Optifast, I was taking an easy route to be thin. As I have learned, this is not a plan that is set up to be a lasting success but it did give me a huge change in perspective.

So, with that perspective and Cut The Fat Podcast I'm going to work at making myself feel better and get healthy. Here's some agreements I'm making with myself:

30/30 Challenge:

Rain or shine, I will do some sort of exercise for 30 minutes for the next 30 days. I’ll incorporate interval training (run/walk) and resistance training. 

 

10%, Then Wait, Rinse Repeat:

It’s a step-wise goal. I will aim to lose 10% of my body weight. Then I will do everything within my power to maintain that weight for 3-6 months. Then I will begin again repeating this process until I reach my goal weight.

Food is Fuel. Find Fun Fuel!

I’ll make it easy for myself to eat healthier. No refined foods. Cutting out refined sugar, pasta, etc. I will find whole grains, vegetables and lean proteins to provide energy for my body.

 

Track It!

I’ll track my nutrition and caloric intake for the first 30 days to learn what I eat and how much.

Alter-Ego?

So, I've devised an alter-ego to say the wise things most of my friends would simply mock me for. It's not that I fear their jest or the laughs it's because I've changed and it's been so profound and so deep it might be a shock to their system.
And mine...
So, I came up with Maxwell Klinton. And here's a few of his wise sayings:

"Sometimes stillness is the answer.

It is like a field of leaves. A leaf can catch the wind and soar to heights unknowable or a leaf can be gathered by the rake and become part of a great heap to be lit with the fire of the universe.  In either case, it is the field of stillness, the soft grass of waiting, which makes the difference. Otherwise the leaf would be forever falling to greater depths never to be more than a falling leaf."

-  Maxwell Klinton

"The numbering of days is a human concoction. We use it to describe the passing of time. The more insidious role it plays is when we use it as an excuse to deceive ourselves into believing we are too late."

-Maxwell Klinton

"You can't legislate something away. It just doesn't work.

Look at Blacks, Mexicans, women and homosexuals.

It doesn't work on people and it won't work on guns, either.

The root cause of curbing violence and social dissonance is teaching people- and I mean ALL people- to resolve differences in an adult manner.

And, we should start with our foreign policy as it pertains to third world countries."

- Maxwell Klinton

Max is a smart guy, huh? I like how he goes for the jugular, too. "Oh, how smart! How Zen! How... WHAT?" 

I like Maxwell and I'm gonna whore him out all over the place.

Merry Christmas and I hope I make it!

Post non-apocalypse update here.

So, like I guessed, no crazy apocalypse on December 21st. I read a fantastic book by John Major Jenkins. Now, he takes a few liberties but he also explains himself clearly. The gist is: Mayans liked to count time. They also liked things such as Solstices and Equinoxes and alignments of many sorts. A visual (not actual) alignment of Earth, the Sun and the center of our galaxy (not the actual center or black hole but the central bulge that is kinda where it is) happens on December 21, 2012.

The End. The other clowns who say the Dresden Codex shows a flood at the end but I take that as a representation of Aquarius and we are moving from one age (currently Pisces) to the next. Aquarius is the Water Bearer and the codex talks about a Rain God... Kinda links up there if you think about it.

Any hoo... I'm nearing the end of my unemployment benefit from the state and I hope to hear about Federal. If it pans out, and I hope it does, I might be able to get enough to take me to the start of school in February and then I'm pretty much set from there.

More news later. Just glad to have it all over with where the end of the world is concerned.

Dear God,

Some days I feel like Miss Celie. "Dear God, I'm 14 years old... I've always been a good girl. Maybe you could give me a sign? Let me know what's happening to me."

Of course, the analogy between us ends right there but you get the gist. I was fired from my job on June 11th  and thought I had a great plan for my future. I was going to go back to school, get some classes under my belt and head towards a Master's degree. Well, that fell through.

Going back to school would have meant hitting a JR College. I would take the undergraduate per-requisites and then applied for the Master's program. But, here's the catch: Financial Aid. See, I already have a Bachelor's and JR Colleges aren't geared to prep someone for a Master's. Since I have a Bachelor's I needed to apply for financial aid with a specific academic plan. I could not deviate from this plan and I could not receive aid if I took one extra class not on the list. So, I had to rearrange my goals...

Then I turned 40. It was a fantastic trip to NYC and I was able to face demons from my past. I had a rare chance to look my 20 year old self in the face and place my time living there in perspective.

I recall viewing New York City as a world unto itself. It was mammoth and vast, overwhelming and dark. I was being swallowed alive and I had to get out of there. Upon returning I was able to see it as a city. A place with lots of people and lots of buildings. It was just another place and I was a person in it rather than a rat stuck on a wheel.

Coming home, I found myself excited about life. And then I fell into a funk. It's as if all my ways of thinking and all my ways of perceiving the world crashed around me and I didn't have a way to understand my world any more. Where was I headed? Where did I come from and what did it mean? Where do I go and how will I get there when- and if- I ever figure that out?

"Mid-life Crisis" Mode: Activated.

So, I've been puttering around, I've headed back to the gym, I've gone for bike rides and returned to running. But, my big question is: What's next?

Taking A Pounding (It's a long one).

So, it's been weird. Weird in a good way. I've come to realize life likes to let me think I'm in charge and just when I've decided everything is fine... KA-BLAM! Old issues come up.

As I've written before: there are a few people I've dumped as friends and recently I've run into 2 of them. These are people who decided to make decisions about our relationship without consulting me so, like-wise... I made decisions without consulting them. Namely: ditching them as fiends and never speaking to them again. (I know... so mature, huh)?

Well, my decision was based on being angry. I'd thought time would heal that anger.

No flippin' way! One of them asked me why they aren't my friend on Facebook. Now, I do need to point out that I "un-friended" them a long time ago and he's just now wondering why. So I told him. His response was to tell me I should have said something to him (in my defense, I did...) and he's fine to not be my friend and he'll see me around.

Dude needs a clue phone. When a text message conversation goes like this:
(This text message is based on real events)
HIM: How's it going?
ME: Mom's still in the hospital but I'm ok.
HIM: Oh. Hey, Love Lady Gaga's new song. I tell people I'm on the edge... of glory.
ME: Cool.
(end of message)

Dick.

The other guy is still on my Shit-List. He wanted to have a toast to the Olympics with me one night. I said no. He said, "Not even for the Olympics?" I said, "NO." What makes me so angry is how cavalier he is with me. I haven't given him the time of day for 2 years and whenever he approaches me it's always with some trite, ridiculous, vapid concept. When I don't play along he just shrugs and shakes his head as if I'm being difficult.

I am being difficult. Actually, no I'm not. I'm standing my ground. We have some really deep things to address and I'm not playing any games. He wants me to toast the Olympics. Why? To feel better about me hating him.  If I toast with him then this is a sign I've forgiven him and ham ready to move on without dealing with his hateful, disgusting, selfish behavior. And I'm not going to let him have that from me. He gets nothing from me until he hears me out or starts explaining himself for his behavior.

It's insulting.

Addressing this anger and recognizing it's still there is important. I've stalled my training and work-outs because I feel guilty for being this angry. But I have every right to be pissed-off. I have to be supportive of myself when it comes to being angry and mad-as-hell because it's normal and healthy to feel these emotions. My usual method to deal with it is to stuff it down with huge amounts of food. And I've succeeded to pack on 70 pounds. No bueno.

So I'm tired of sitting and stewing. I'm tired of eating "comfort" foods that really don't do the trick. I'm off to find my comfort in real, tangible things. Running, cycling, healthy eating and school.

Oh, and a part-time job to pay for rent & food.