2012 has started and I'm here blogging about how much weight I've lost. I'm also restoring my iPod because it's starting to fail big time so I have a mariachi band tooting every 30 seconds as the equipment shuts on and off.

I've looked over my last few years and have seen how invested I've been in things that get me no where. Also people. An old friend of mine came into town and like the last few times he's come in I find out last minute and there's a party being thrown. He likes to tell me about this the day before and I usually have plans or I have to go to bed early. So, it's his loss.

I also found out that a good friend of mine has been coming into town regularly but I've never been told. And, as much as I would love to say these people are crappy I have to take a moment and ponder what it is in my life that I've done to be the guy you don't want to tell when you're heading into town.

But I digress. I go to Disney World on Monday and I took a few minutes to look over my posts from August until now and to think of all the things I've done is quite remarkable.

I'm down to 203 lbs. I haven't had a drink in 20 weeks or a cigarette since February. But I think the biggest accomplishment I've made has been to forgive myself and forgive my past.

My big bro and sis-in-law come in on Sunday but I fly out Monday morning. We'll just miss each other, but I go knowing I'll be in the better, cooler more awesome place and they just have to suck it up and deal. (Just kidding. I mean, yeah, I'll be having fun but they'll have unrestricted access to Mom & Dad).

One last thing: I switch to nights when I come back. 3:30 to 11:45 PM. We'll see how that goes... .

It's almost Christmas.

It's the 2nd "Day" of Hanukkah.

But, most importantly, it's Winter Solstice!

And that means we have 366 days left before we all die in an apocalypse. (Leap year, wouldn't you know...).

I'm finally down to 209 lbs. I've lost 102 lbs since August. I've started to eat again: protein. Tomorrow I start veggies and then next week I get to try salad stuff.

I've really worked hard and I need to keep running and exercising. I'm starting weight training in January and I think I'll have the body I want before I burst into flames and the earth collides with the sun next year. We might all be doomed but I plan to go out looking fine, y'all.

'Cuz It's Almost Christmas

Happy World AIDS Day?

Is that appropriate? Well, here's my check-in as I do laundry and watch Tabitha's Salon Takeover.

The last time I checked in I was in my 240's. I've now hit 230 lbs and am in the 220's. But, so much has happened since we last spoke.

Some douche-bag tailgated me and got crazy passive aggressive. So, I pulled over to let him/her pass. They pulled up behind me and started honking and flashing their brights at me (it was night time). So they finally got their head out of their ass and went to go around me and decided to slam into my back end. Then had the nerve to try and speed away.

Well, dear reader, I chased their ass until I could read their license plate and called 911. The car had insurance but the driver was excluded. So, my insurance has to pay for my car. I had whiplash but I'm totally fine now.

I'm still working on running and getting my saggy ass (and it's kinda saggy since I've lost all the fat in it) ready for the Disney World Half- Marathon. One funny thing: Everyone tells me something different about prepping for my first Half-Marathon.

One thing I hear is: "You should be able to run 8 miles easily." OK, well, that's not possible by January 7th. The other thing I hear is: "If you can run 4 miles you can do 3-4 times that no problem." I highly doubt that but it's encouraging. Here's that I think: I can run it but it's gonna be hard and kinda sucky no matter what. Why? It will be the first time I have tried to run 13.1 miles and there's no way to know what that will be like until I do it. But I'm really ready to do it! (Mentally. Physically is a whole other subject but I'm excited to try).

So, I'm still running, I'm going to get my car fixed and I'm in a really good space.

Smiley Face!

Why Weightloss Sucks

Some people have told me that I'm amazing for losing so much weight. Just to check in: I'm down in the 240's (and according to my scale at home I'm 238 lbs.). But it's not all chocolate shakes and fake chicken soup.

I decided to get some therapy at the same time. See, I have had a feeling that there was a missing piece to this puzzle of this "Jeremiah = Fatty McFatterton" sit-com. And there is.

Just like any good sit-com, movie, series or book: It's all about how dysfunctional you are.

So, my therapist advised me to read Pia Melody's Facing Codependence. Frighteningly, it's really on the money for me. I won't go into it but it's been enlightening and scary all at the same time. Like Paranormal State and Ghost Adventures I'm facing my ghosts and demons head on and it's really a daunting task. Seeing things in front of you rather than from the corner of your eye makes it easier to deal with but there are moments I wish I still felt "crazy" rather than admit I have these issues.

However, I want to be a healthy weight. I want to look good in a speedo. I want to be proud of my body and even though I've lost 73 lbs. I'm still not proud of my body. The accomplishment? Totally. What I still look like? Oh, hellz no, bitchez!

The next issue is how tired and dizzy I feel sometimes. I need to address this with my group facilitator and find a solution. If I'm going to do the Disney World Half-Marathon in January I'll need to train. And I think I'm getting to the point where the training is more than my calorie-depleted fast will allow. Maybe I can switch to the other program. Ooooh! I just got so excited! The possibility of solid food is really exhilarating.

Thundercats! Hooooooooooo!!!!!

My , How Time Has Passed...

Just a quick check-in.

I've reached the half-way point. I'm down 45 lbs and everything is great.

Week 6 gave me a peace of mind about how hard I have worked and how far I have come and I have a ways to go, even still.

Oddly, even though I'm half-way to my goal weight, I think I might want to adjust it lower. If that's the case then I'll be half-way to my goal weight in another 15 lbs.

Just to be clear, I was 311 lbs and my goal is 220 lbs. I might take it down to 210 or 200. As it is, I am planning to lose 90 lbs. Taking it lower means it will be 100 to 110 lbs. Those numbers scare me a little. Not that it's a low weight but that I was 100 to 110 lbs over weight. 90 isn't a triple digit number... It's safe. 100 is a bit intense for my psyche. But if that's where I need to go then that's where I need to go.

(BTW: The pic you see above is from:
http://wins.failblog.org/2011/10/07/epic-win-photos-sassy-embroidery-win/

Week 6 And All Is Well

Week 6.

I'm nearly 45 lbs lighter and fit into a lot of clothes I haven't worn for quite some time.

One thing I'm realizing is how uncomfortable I am with certain emotions and how much Anger, Rage and Anxiety I really have.

I've got some demons to battle.

(In this case I chose a Sexy Demon... well, except for the face).

Still running and I went to yoga last night. I'm sold. No, not my soul but on the idea that yoga is awesome.

Till next week!

ALMOST 40 BUT LOSING 30

I was 311 lbs 3 weeks ago and even though my scale at home isn't the same I've lost around 30 lbs. I don't have a picture of myself today but I do have one of me at 311.

Look at me smiling. I have no idea how big I am and I think I have just a few pounds to loose.

Strangely, I am not hungry and even though I want a double cheese burger with a side of macaroni and cheese I think I'll save that meal for my victory.

I'm gonna shoot for 220 lbs and see if I wanna take it to 210. But as for now that's my goal. 50 more pounds and I think I'll be there in no time.

But I have some digging to do first. I have to understand what got me here in the first place. So, I'm planning on working on a chronology to discover when I started having weight issues and when my weight has fluctuated up and then down.

Daunting. But if I want this to be permanent then I have to make that leap and get to the change I want to have in my life.

Goal for December: 220 lbs, dinner with parents on Christmas, able to run 10k and training for 1/2 Marathon for January.

At this rate I feel anything is possible.

Oh... Goal for next Summer: Speedo? Ok, well how about board shorts that don't have an elastic waistband in the back and a tight tank top?

IT ALL BEGINS TOMORROW!

I'm doing Optifast. Tomorrow is the last day of food and starting Tuesday I go on a liquid fast. Sounds drastic, huh? Well, I'm desperate.

Why am I doing this?

Two months ago I sat down with my mother and I told her I wanted to do Optifast. She said it was too expensive. She said it would be too hard. But I had a comeback.

I knew at that time there were two truths.
1) I spend more that $140 a week on food. Optifast was cheaper.
2) I had been obese since 4th or 5th grade. That means I had been "over weight" or simply fat (aka: Fatty McFatterton) for 27 years. (I'm 38 right now- 39 in September).

Plus, I have an arsenal of health reasons:
- Diabetes: My mom, dad and dad's side of the family
- Cancer: Uncle Larry died of Colo-rectal Cancer and another uncle from testicular. And my grandma had leukemia (or was it lymphoma. I can't recall which one).
- Heart problems: Uncle Robert died just 2 months ago from a heart attack and my parents have high blood pressure. I have struggled with it, too.
- Arthritis: On both sides of my family and my mom has Fibromyalgia.

I think that's a good list. But then there's the incredibly vain side of me: I'd say it's because I'm a gay man but I think we all feel this way...

I want to wear a speedo. I want to look good in some designer clothes and wear things that make me feel sexy. As my brother put it, " I'm sick of shopping for clothes and picking the the one thing that looks less like a pup-tent." Also my sister-in-law made a good point about her weight. "I can be fat and I can be forty. But, I can't be fat AND forty." I think that gets right to the point.

On top of it all I chose to run a 1/2 marathon. I signed up for the Disneyland Half on September 4th. Needless to say I can't do it. But I'm up for the 1/2 Marathon at Disney World in January. I should be at my goal weight and mostly on solid food again. I used to run 5K's when I was 250 lbs. Now at 311 lbs I think I can work my way to 220 lbs and 13.1 miles of walking and running with a pace of 15 minutes per mile.

I kind-of have to. It was $150 to register and I have a $2,000.00 vacation planned with my buddy Matt Myers.

So: "Fat since a kid," and "Bad family health," plus "Crazy-Big Challenge." Oh, and, "Really selfish but understandable reasons."

I'm gonna suck-down shakes and make a change in my life.

I haven't been myself recently. And by recently I mean 2 years.

It's been one loss after another, one revelation after another that the things I thought I wanted and the people I believed in were utter horse crap.

And then I have to understand that the pattern really points to me. I'm the culprit. I'm really bad at keeping in touch with friends when they live out of town (and even the ones in town, too). I trust and believe in people as a friend and I'm not really sure they are my friend, but I assume they will be- or are- and it's an empty faith.

I thought I wanted to do theatre. Nope. I thought I wanted to manage a Starbucks. Double nope. And now I don't know what I want to do. I just like my job, my family but not my life.

I like myself, but I'm not really excited about myself. Or, anything for that matter.

So, I'm going to go through a transformation. I think I'm close to rock-bottom and what I'm about to embark upon will take me there, shred me up and then show me the way out.

Long Day's Journey Into Night... No more. :)

My Uncle passed away a few weeks ago. His ashes are in Louisiana and will come back here to San Diego to be buried at Point Loma Cemetery.

In 3 weeks I will start Optifast. I plan to lose quite a bit of weight. The only drawback will be the second week I'm on the program. I'll be at Disneyland with my friend Matt and he'll get to eat but I'll be suckin' down shakes. It's ok. I'll just have to deal with it.

I should get you caught up:

- I am training for a 1/2 Marathon. :) It's the greatest and dumbest idea I've had in a long time, but I think it's just what I need. So, today I ran 2 minutes, walked 3 minutes 10 x's and it was a total of 3.2 miles.

- I am trying not to wish horrible things would happen to the people I've mentioned in previous posts. It's hard, but I try. And I even try to think of loving things towards them. That's even harder.

That's all. :)

Turn Around... Bright, Eyes...

Can I bitch for a minute?
Thanks.

A group of people I once had as friends have slowly excluded me. And the thing is, it's all because I can't deal with one person. The irony is, most people don't like the guy, either, but he's good looking so he gets invited. I, however, do not, even though everyone says they really like me.

So, am I just over reacting? Or is that smoke up my ass?

I know one thing. That's a knife in my heart and it really, really hurts.

When a Friend = Fail

I went in to church today and just didn't feel myself. Usually when I go in at 8:15am I'm ready to sing and have a good time but today and the last few Sundays I felt like I wanted to just run.

So I did. I sang through first service and then bolted out the back door. I was bound and determined to just drive. So I just drove. And I drove to grab some coffee where I ran into an awesome barista from my days at Starbucks. Well, he made me get my head working again and I finally realized what has been bringing me so much heart ache.

I'm pissed off at some really awful people. I want to shake them like a British nanny. I realized I never have gotten angry and had my say to a few people I once cherished. And even though I have been fantastic at feeling guilty about having to cut these people out of my life I have never really dug down into the reason I cut them out.

Because they are losers. They FAIL.

It's more than just feng-shui-ing myself into a hallucination of feel-good, drum-circle inspired vagina-in-the-mirror-gazing shenanigans. I got really pissed and realized that when the cards were laid out the people whom I'd called my friends were really a fantastical group of self-centered ego-maniacs. There was never a point when they were my friend. I was always their friend. Now for some of you this might seem like an interesting statement and you are confused so let me explain.

As a friend we help our friends. We see their need or they ask for it and we give. We are being their friend.

But when we need help or we need respect from them... well... we don't get any. They are not our friend. The friendship is one sided.

I was going to name names and air out grievances. I can't. That's not fair to myself. I deserve to tell these people to their faces how angry I am. But, most importantly, I deserve to be angry. I didn't walk away from a relationship because there was no relationship to walk away from.

But I will say this: F-you. F-you in the butt-hole. (And not in the good way).

17 Months ago...

September 2009 I broke off a very long relationship with a man I was really, really in love with. I realized he was in love with love and not the person.

February 2010 I broke off a relationship with someone I thought I wanted to be friends with only to realize he was never my friend.

So, now I am facing another friend-break up, and I have to ask myself, "Is it me?"

Yes. Yes it is.

But it's not me in the the way one might think. It's me in this way: I have built relationships with people who are very demanding and I have allowed myself to take a position where I am the one who will accept the blame. I have passively accepted the role as a flawed person who should be grateful for someone else to throw some affection.

I love Lady Gaga and I'm not a fan of Madonna. Please don't ask me to leave your house because I might say a few negative words about it.

I get uncomfortable around hyper-sexual people. Please don't take me to Vegas for a Rugby tournament and ask me to go to a bath-house and skip the game.

Please don't ask me to sleep with you when I am in love with you and you have no intention of delving into being my boyfriend.

Is it their fault? No. Is it my fault? No. I have to find my self-worth. And it's a huge transition but I'm at a place in my life where I can begin to process this transition.

I'm breaking up with myself. I'm breaking up with my wishy-washy "I'm ok, you're ok" attitude. I'm over this load of crap I give to myself in which I accept the small grain of tolerance as a sign of friendship when it's really a game of control.

We're through.