17 Months ago...

September 2009 I broke off a very long relationship with a man I was really, really in love with. I realized he was in love with love and not the person.

February 2010 I broke off a relationship with someone I thought I wanted to be friends with only to realize he was never my friend.

So, now I am facing another friend-break up, and I have to ask myself, "Is it me?"

Yes. Yes it is.

But it's not me in the the way one might think. It's me in this way: I have built relationships with people who are very demanding and I have allowed myself to take a position where I am the one who will accept the blame. I have passively accepted the role as a flawed person who should be grateful for someone else to throw some affection.

I love Lady Gaga and I'm not a fan of Madonna. Please don't ask me to leave your house because I might say a few negative words about it.

I get uncomfortable around hyper-sexual people. Please don't take me to Vegas for a Rugby tournament and ask me to go to a bath-house and skip the game.

Please don't ask me to sleep with you when I am in love with you and you have no intention of delving into being my boyfriend.

Is it their fault? No. Is it my fault? No. I have to find my self-worth. And it's a huge transition but I'm at a place in my life where I can begin to process this transition.

I'm breaking up with myself. I'm breaking up with my wishy-washy "I'm ok, you're ok" attitude. I'm over this load of crap I give to myself in which I accept the small grain of tolerance as a sign of friendship when it's really a game of control.

We're through.

What I couldn't post on Facebook...

Sun tanning? CHECK! Narrations? CHECK! Errands run? CHECK!

Now to make my bed and sleep. Weird to be up at 2am. This used to be my final hour of sleep before destroying myself slinging coffee all day and scrubbing sinks and drains... and dipping my hands in cleaning solutions that gave me eczema... and smiling at people I don't like and saying things like, "Have a great day!" when I really want to say, "That nonfat milk in your 8 pump white mocha with extra whipped cream is a lie. You're lying to yourself you fool! Please enjoy your diabetes... and that second chin you're about to develop."

Now I get to talk about why people need more insurance... mainly because I don't want to sue them when I'm made paraplegic after they hit me because they ran a red light and exhaust the 15K cap on their auto policy...

I need to go to sleep... It's like my typing has turned into diarrhea of the hands... Finger... hands... ugh.

Nite!

Feelin' It

I've been feeling a bit low recently. I guess it's all the changes I've been experiencing. But I do have to say that I've had a big break through.

After being angry for so long, I have finally found compassion. I've also found forgiveness and I have also found myself guilty of being human.

My ex had been checking out my profile on a website. I know this because when you open the "pals" list his picture popped up as someone who has looked at my profile. So I sent him an angry message. Not horrible, but angry. When he wrote me back he expressed his confusion over why I am upset with him and ehy I have chosen to not communicate with him. And he also said he wanted me to move on... Wha-wha-wha-What???

Yes. I was not moving on. I have not been moving on for a long time. I have been harboring how angry I have been.

And then there is my Mom. She said to me the other day, "You stay angry. You want everyone to know how angry you are and how you feel wronged by someone." Yikes. That's an honest assessment.

Growing up sucks. But I'm glad I'm doing it.

The Long Haul

Changes, good and bad.

Work: I'm stepping down as a Shift Supervisor at Starbucks. I have loved the job but I don't feel satisfied in my life. It takes a lot out of me to work odd hours and not have a schedule that is regular. I'm not a kid any more, so I need something steady.

Travel: I had a great time in Vegas, but the trip left me thinking about friends. Who supports me and lifts me up? Who do I lift up and support? Who drags me down? Who do I bring down? In this year of transformation I need to transform my friendships. Some will transform into more, some less and some into nothingness.

Life: I'm alive. I've been through a lot in my few years here and I'm so grateful for the lessons I have learned. I'm scared of the lessons that are coming up, but I'm open to them and embrace them as they come.

Being open to everything. That's my new motto.

Please Take Down the Mistletoe

"Christmases When You Were Mine"

Please take down the misletoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
My momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope you're well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine

I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold

But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

Merry Christmas everybody
That'll have to be something I just say this year
I'll bet you got your mom another sweater
And were your cousins late again
When you were putting up the lights this year
Did you notice one less pair of hands

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

You were mine

Remembering for the Holidays

Saturday was a kickin' holiday party at my friend David's house. It was a great party and it was nice to see a lot of the guys I hang with at the Hole outside the bar.

However, I ran into my ex. Hmph. He was curt with me, but I found it ironic. I guess what I'm getting at is this: there are a lot of people I've had to let go and it's never easy. I think at this time of year I am feeling it more because it's the time people usually cuddle up with their loved one. I thought I was going to finally have that this year. I don't. So, do I need to mourn the loss of a dream or hope? Do I just go on and hope for next year.

I don't want to give up on that dream. I've let some dreams go because I realized they weren't what I needed to be but this one... I don' think I'm asking for too much. But maybe the dream isn't for me to have. That makes me sad so I'm not going to vote for that last choice.

11 days to Christmas. Tonight is the 4th night of Hanukkah. IT's all good. :)

Fun and Stuff

It's been fun these last few weeks.

I've processed a lot, but I have also started to feel like I am engaged in life. For a while I was just letting the days go by, kind of numb, but now I feel like having fun and stuff...

I went to December Nights last night with my friend Jano. It's a great event and I wish I could do a second night but funds are low right now not to mention the fact that I have to work in the morning. But I am totally up for it next year!

I ran into a friend, Justin, as I was heading into the Spirits Garden (like a beer garden but with liquor and beer... sweet...) and we caught up for a bit. I miss hanging with him. It's been a long time and I guess I just never took it upon myself to make a friendship happen. Well, I think I can prove I can change, so I'll start making that happen more often.

So, things are better and I'm really excited about it.